Ok so here's the thing. I am unofficially unemployed and I DO NOT WANT to work as a professional engineer. I don't know what to do and as of now, I am currently writing this blog with no clue as to what I am supposed to do. So what is this blog about then? Well, it's more about choosing what he or she REALLY wants to strive to achieve and my personal story of yours truly. Is it passion or someone else trying to direct your life as if it's what YOU want?
Here's a little caveat about my career path. I wanted to be in the science field or rather, an engineer, since I was in secondary school. I didn't look into any other fields of interest because I didn't allow myself to explore. During my college pre-u days, I took subjects that were all science and mathematics related. Nothing was going to stop me from being an automotive engineer or an aeronautical engineer. I even considered to study abroad in Germany. Then, the creative field struck me halfway through my degree and now here I am.
I could write a lot about my reasons for choosing to be an engineer. It could be my upbringing. As the only child in the family, I felt that I needed to prove myself to my family and they would be proud of me. I thought my parents would not support me other than being an engineer, doctor and the other typical career lines that GUARANTEES a large pool of money and security. It's a typical Asian stereotype but those were all my assumptions and completely disregard of what THEY really think about it because at the end, it was my decision to be an engineer and not them. But at the time, it was obvious that I had to impress my family that even my uncle bought me books for mathematics because I was so bad in it before as my GODDAMN BIRTHDAY PRESENT! Really uncle...?! Basically, I blamed my family for all the choices I've made. Granted, some of the choices are due to parents not supporting it at the time but it was still my fault for not showing to them what I wanted to explore rather than being a wimp about it and keeping it inside all this years.
So by the time I was 21, I literally broke down. Stress and anxiety caught up to me. All that rage, frustration, self doubt and many other negative thoughts were with me ever since I graduated from high school. I cried, yell and let everything out little by little but it was not a pleasing sight to see. A grown man crying is eyes out because he couldn't take it anymore. Even this year 2020, before I finished my course, I already gathered all that temper and frustration. I threw all that emotion to my girlfriend, my parents and my friends because I didn't want to keep it in me anymore. It was embarrassing and I kept trying to change myself more and more. I keep reminding myself about what I said and did before to act as a reminder for myself.
What I'm really trying to say in all that mess of a story is that if you really don't want to do the things you do, sometimes you just have to pursue it for awhile longer before you can actually stop. I think it's too easy to say that we should just stop if we don't like it. Sadly, life doesn't work that way and we need to make ends meet as well as earn income to survive. I struggled so badly but I managed to pull through. I choose the creative arts over engineering. I finished my degree and now I want to pursue my passion. It's a new career path and new goals to be set.
The struggle we all face is fucked up. Nonetheless, it is an experience worth going through because we will learn so much and mentally be stronger to improve ourselves when we reach at the end of that long tunnel. In my 4 years in degree, I am still learning and improving myself. Here's what I gathered.
- Take things one step at a time. Don't rush.
- Learn how to control your emotions. Don't let it cloud your judgement
- It is VERY MUCH OK to cry and be frustrated. Don't bottle it up like I did
- Share your problems with the person who cares for you the most.
- Always self reflect but do not self doubt for everything you do.
- Stand up for yourself and fight
- Never give up
Some of the things mentioned are just right at the top of my head and I probably missed some other things hahah but these are still important. Although life can seem unfair, if we just keep holding on to that passion and not letting the fire die down, we will all eventually pull ourselves out of the pit of despair and strive to go for the passion we so desire.
As for me, I did come out alive and now setting new milestones for myself. I can say that without the people around me, I would have probably went down a darker road. Now, I am freaking relieved and laughing everyday HAHA! That's all for this blog. Thanks for your time and I'll see you in the next one.
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